Take a year and a half of living through a global pandemic as an example. It’s likely you had to adjust some self-care practices in some ways, whether it was socializing via video calls, exercising at home rather than at the gym, or wearing a face mask when you left your home. Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Haverford, Pennsylvania, and the author of A Mindful Year: 365 Ways to Find Connection and the Sacred in Everyday Life, explains that when it comes to self-care, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, and there’s not even a one-size-fits-you answer that will work for you all the time. RELATED: Self-Care During COVID-19: How It Started, How It’s Going “We’re often not partnering with ourselves in a very considerate way,” says Dr. Gillihan. For example, people might read about someone else’s self-care routine and think, “That’s how you do it.” But when they practice that self-care routine themselves, they find it exhausting, depleting, or not worthwhile. Or maybe there’s a self-care routine that worked for you in the past but isn’t working anymore — such as a morning meditation habit you used to find grounding but that lately leaves you anxious that you’re not getting an early enough start on your workday. In these cases it’s important to acknowledge that a self-care routine isn’t working for you and take the steps to make it a routine that does work for you, Gillihan says. Maybe now a midday meditation break — or a walk outdoors — delivers the same benefits. “People change, and needs change,” Gillihan explains. “We won’t be the same person all the time.” RELATED: What Self-Care Has Looked Like for These 3 Dads During the Pandemic
How to Recognize When a Self-Care Routine Is No Longer Working
“The first step to recognizing when self-care isn’t working is when your self-care starts to feel like work — if something has become a ‘should’ that you feel you have to do instead of something you’re looking forward to doing,” Gillihan says. It could be that your running routine used to fill you with endorphins and motivate you for the day ahead, but now you find yourself depleted of energy during or afterward and you dread putting on your sneakers. Maybe you used to have a weekly call with a close friend that made you feel heard, connected, and soothed, but the calls have actually become quite draining and you don’t look forward to picking up the phone anymore. Maybe you started eating healthier, but you’re finding yourself obsessed with nutritional values, and meal planning is becoming a big stressor for you. Why might you resist breaking a habit or routine that’s no longer working — or struggle to recognize that it isn’t? Our brains like following the same routine because it’s a more efficient way to work, according to Harvard Medical School. To get out of a routine, you’re going to have to get really intentional. Take note of how the activity makes you feel, Gillihan says. Does it ramp up stress and anxiety or tamp it down? If something is giving you more stress than it’s relieving, it’s time for a change. RELATED: How to Start a Self-Care Routine You’ll Follow High standards can take joy out of an activity. Maybe it’s not the practice that’s not working, but the expectation you’ve put on yourself that’s becoming draining or depleting, says Christine Carter, PhD, a senior leader at BetterUp and a sociologist and senior fellow at the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California in Berkeley, who studies happiness and productivity. For example, maybe you’ve committed to speaking to a friend and being a great listener, going for a run and becoming a much faster runner, or eating differently to have the perfect diet. You might be doing those things — having those conversations, running, and eating healthier, Dr. Carter says. But if you’re not achieving those high bars you set for yourself, you may find yourself feeling depleted or stressed by the activity. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t push yourself and strive for new goals. “But if you’ve given it a go for six months and it’s not happening for you (or bringing you joy), let it go,” Carter says.
My Self-Care Routine Isn’t Working. Now What?
You’ve acknowledged that your current self-care practice isn’t giving you what you need. But what will? Here are some tips.
1. Reacquaint Yourself With Yourself
“Self-awareness is so important for you to be able to find what will work,” says Paula Gill Lopez, PhD, an associate professor of psychological and educational consultation at Fairfield University in Connecticut. Consider what was feeling stressful about your old self-care routine. What’s a new routine that can help relieve that tension? What’s a new routine that doesn’t cause that type of stress? “You really have to know yourself to know what’s going to work for you,” Dr. Lopez says.
2. Be Open-Minded
Trying something new and changing our habits can be intimidating, but we can train our brains to be more open-minded. Lopez recommends focusing on the positives we may get out of the experiences, rather than telling ourselves to “I won’t like this.” It will help our brains build new, more positive connections.
3. Give Yourself Lots of Options
There are an infinite number of ways to practice self-care. Think outside the box and give yourself lots of options when it comes to deciding on new self-care practices to try out, Lopez says.
4. Just Say ‘No’
If you haven’t done so already, throw your preconceived notions and assumptions about what self-care “should” look like out the window. “We have a compulsive tendency to fill our schedules with things that we don’t need to have in there,” Gillihan says. When it comes to taking care of you, one of the most important words you can add to your vocabulary is “no.” “One thing I like to do is have people look at their calendars and see what optional stress they have in there,” Gillihan says. Oftentimes people have many more optional stress-inducing than stress-busting routines in their days, he says. You have the power to change that. “An often neglected element of self-care is how we organize our days and what we put into them,” Gillihan says.
5. Pay Attention to How You’re Feeling
The bottom line is to really pay attention to how you’re feeling, acknowledge the feelings, and allow yourself the permission and room to get out of fixed routines and try something new, advises Lopez. To start, you could perhaps even make a note of your moods and emotions on paper or in your phone calendar, where it might be easier to see if there’s a direct correspondence with an activity that results in you feeling strained. Once you’ve understood that a formerly enriching practice is now becoming fatiguing, keep an open mind about what else you can look to that may provide you with the soothing coping mechanisms we all need. “Ask yourself how you’re doing,” says Gillihan. “Asking how you are and what you need right now is perhaps the most important act of self-care.”
